i've got alot of growing to do

The last week and a half have been very hard for me. I've said some things that I'm sure were stupid. I've used my pain as an excuse to be mad at God and live however I wanted to. After talking with people about what was going on and why I was acting the way I was the words I were saying began to fall back onto my ears. Simply because someone or some people hurt me doesn't mean I can retaliate in my own life. It's not God's fault. I also thought that I didn't need to change anything about myself. That what people thought was "troubling" or "wrong" about me may be right. Just because I don't think something is wrong about myself doesn't mean it isn't. I'll be meeting with my Pastor on Wednesdays to chat and work through some things in my life. I told a friend that "even if I could change, I wouldn't want to." How arrogant is that? So lame.. And I'm still angry. I'm angry that I was essentially stabbed in the back. I'm angry that people presumed things about me. I'm angry that I could just be tossed away after almost eight years of leadership. It's not fair to be upset about something someone does and not tell them. It's wrong for parents or kids to be concerned/offended about something you are doing and not tell you. It's disrespectful to have a meeting about someone without them being there. I'm so angry about being stabbed in the back. -BRiAN

white water rafting

I went white water rafting with my buddies at Players (the resturant I work at). We drove about 4 1/2 hours to Kern county and rafted for over 5 hours. It was AWESOME! A few people were a little nervous, but I've been once before for my senior trip so there was no fear in me!!! There were a total of about 8 or 9 class 4 rapids. Class 4's aren't so bad, but they're enough to tip someone out of the boat or flip it. Neither happened to me. Although, on the first rapid four out of our seven passengers (including the guide) took a swim in the middle of the rapid. We started barreling for a huge boulder jetting out of the water, bumped harmlessly into it and picked up our passengers. The weather was amazing. It was overcast, but the wind was really warm and the water was just perfect. You could take a quick float down the river while waiting for a rapid, get back in the boat and be dry in a few minutes. There were a few rapids that got me nervous, but the last one was the best. It's called "pinball". They call it pinball because there are about six rocks throughout the rapid so you have to manuver through the beast. We only got a few feet into it when our boat slammed up against a rock and started sinking. We quickly clammered up to the side of the raft that was above the water and and stopped it from sinking under. The boat was in such a position that one side was pinned against the rock. To the front of us was a drop off into another rock just a few feet away, and it would be impossible to row it backwards. If we leaned too far to the left the boat would sink, so we were stuck on the right hand side. Finally, our guide said, "Ok, everyone to the front of the boat" I paused. I said, "There is NO way I am getting into the front of this boat!" because what lay in front of us was just a big hole for the boat to go face first into. But, into the front we went. The boat lurched forward into the swirling water as we clammered back into our positions. The guide immedtly started shouting out directions and we flew through that rapid like nobodys business! We ROCKED that thing! Man, what a blast! -BRiAN

so much.. joy

made me laugh

I just read a title on MSNBC that read: "President defends intelligence team" That's just... stupid.

houstin, we have an update

I saw "League of Extrodinary Gentlemen" tonight. I warn you, don't do what I did. I felt like at times the writer was like "Oh man! I have to fit in background for the characters!" Then, pinned a timeline of the film to a wall and threw darts to decided where that character history should go. Anyway, I didn't like it. Also, we start filming "The Lackey Movie" Thursday! We shoot the hero training flashback and the opening scene. Yay us! I'll be talking about the movie, but not giving stuff away. We have a cast, locations, equipment, and plenty of things to go wrong. I can't wait to start shooting this, seriously.

go me!!!

I like football. I'm not competitive, but I like football.

tired

I worked today, but I'm tired. I've been working alot latley. Serving in the morning then hosting at night. My feet hurt. Praise God Dad gave me his old foot massager. We finished recording! YAY. Time to master 'em off. I'm tired.

Anyone wanna come with me?

another quick update: I really wanted to goto Jessi's house to watch movies with buddies.. but we were in the studio last night, so I couldn't. It made me sad. Next time, though :).

quick quick quick update:
We recorded five songs last night. WOO! I'll post 'em when they're mastered.

Jeff and I have found something fun to do on Friday nights in little 'ol Atascadero. Of all places, the bowling alley has some live bands on Friday. And they rock! We played pool, danced around and had a really freakin' good time! Friday nights, here I come!

Today I had sushi with my sister. The california rolls were awesome. The fried vegtables were great. The actual raw fish was not so hot. I just didn't like the texture. My sister also said the coolest thing.

"Don't eat it so fast! If you do, it'll be gone!"

Go ahead, read it twice.
-BRiAN

I can not stress how incredibly awesome this link is..

I've decided to hold of on film school, takes classes at cuesta and focus on the band.

yo, jimmy, hand me that steel pipe

    So Brooks had their "strong arms" call me today. They wanted to let me know basically that they were pissed I haven't turned in my application and deposit. First of all, I KNOW I haven't done those things. Secondly, I am under no obligation to do them and thirdly after I hung up I turned in my application and deposit. Here's why (and why not). I hadn't turned anything in because I wasn't sure I'm going to go. I figure, what's the point of filling out all that paperwork if I don't go?! Then having to go through the hassle or having my deposit refunded. Plus, I'll probably forget about the deposit and then not be able to get it back. Anyway, it's done now. I'm waiting to hear back about my FAFSA. I hope I didn't do something wrong and I have to go through the FAFSA process again, because it was really lame.

    Tomorrow is Jessi's graduation! I'm finishing up the video right now. I wish I was asleep because I have to be at the church they are having the graduation at so I can test out the video etc etc.. I'm really happy Jessi is graduating. I only remember my graduation because my Dad taped it. To be honest, I didn't really care I was graduating. But I do remember one thing. I was home schooled through a Christian home schooling group. These guys were terrible. I mean, there were a few families that were in touch with reality and the current times, but some families had no idea what really happens in the world. Let me explain. The group I was in was very legalistic. Girls had to wear dresses, guys button up shirts etc. I have tons of stories I could tell, but I think I've made it semi-clear. For graduation I wanted to do something really.. lets say special. For my short time with the group, I had become really pissed off with most of the people in there and I wanted to pretty much thumb my nose at everyone as I left. I eventually realized this was a really wrong thing to do, so I just ended up wanting to do something that I could remember at graduation. So graduation day comes. All the families are all in their seats and we're lined up in the back.

"Hey, you guys.. I have an idea."
"Oh, no Brian.. don't be messing up the whole graduation."
"No, really this would be awesome.. lets throw our hats in the air as we leave down the middle isle."

A few faces brighten, a few faces scowl, I can actually ear someone gasp.

"Are you nuts?! We'll get so busted!"
"Whatever.. I'm throwing my stupid hat.. if anyone else wants to go for it."

And man, I was so excited to do it. All through the LONG graduation ceremony (the year before was almost three hours someone told me) I was looking up and down the faces of my fellow graduates to get a feel for what was up. I knew a few were ready, but most were crapping their pants just thinking about it. Finally, the moment came. Our principle stood and announced the class of '99 (I graduated a year early.. man did I want to be in the class of 2000!). I strode triumphantly down the isle. I glanced around but no hats. So, I seized the moment, grabbed my perfectly shaped hat and tossed it into the hair letting out a nice loud yell! Surprisingly, the other graduates did also and the families cheered as we strolled along! It was awesome. Everyone loved it.. great idea. The next year, I heard, all the grads took sunglasses out of their gowns and put them on to walk down the isle. I'm so proud. I'll never forget that.

-BRiAN

finally.. something right...

    The ban on partial birth abortion has been passed. YES!

-BRiAN

life... and love... and... SCHOOOL!!

   I want to be a filmmaker. I want to direct movies. I don't want to make movies to be famous, or rich, or popular. I want to make films to inspire and inspire. The idea of sitting behind a Panavision Panaflex 35mm film camera makes my blood boil! To see the lighting, composition, texture all come to love and to tell a story is so awesome. It's also around $30,000 a year. Brooks Institute costs around $30,000 a year (baseline). I've run the FAFSA and looked into scholarships. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find any scholarships. No word on the FAFSA. I'm also looking at Full Sail as a school. Full Sail looks very promising as a technical school, Brooks like very promising as an artistic school. See, here's the cool thing. At Brooks your homework is to make movies. Again.. your HOMEWORK is to make movies!! To shoot films! How awesome is that! To shoot films with other people who love to make movies! So sweet! I'm working on a movie with a friend of mine right now. It's called "The Lackey Movie", the only problem we have is money. We need money for equipment. We have actors, a script, locations, wardrobe etc.. just no camera. It's ok though, it'll happen.

One route I've looked at is the military. Then I stopped looking at that route.

    I want to be a musician. I'm in a band called "Two Or Three". I play drums, Josh plays guitar and does lead vocals, John plays bass and backup and Ben plays keys. And overall I would have to say that our music rocks. Like, I really do enjoy playing our music. I tease Josh sometimes because we'll start rehearsal and he'll say "I wrote another song last night". He writes songs like everyday. Which is cool, but I have a hard time learning our songs in the first place. No worries, though we have print outs of our music for me to study now. Anyway, we'll be recording a new CD soon and I'll put some tracks up. At this point, I think our music is good enough to tour with. It's not about being on stage, or the cheering crowd, the opportunity for ministry is so incredible. Honestly, with being a musician (that people like) there comes a certain amount of power(?). People will come to listen to you, and you can tell them about the gospel! SWEET! Plus, I could hang out with my best buddies and play really awesome music.
    A little over a year ago, I got on my knees told God that I was ready to give him my life and use my talents. I wanted to be a pastor, I wanted to play music, I wanted to be a director and I wanted to do it NOW hehe. The next day, I got a phone call about Action House. A ministry does spreads the gospel using music, drama, and a television program, oh yeah.. they do missions trips to. Praise God!

I want to be a filmmaker, I want to be a musician. Time to get in my knees. -BRiAN

To my future wife: One day, we'll be sitting in a restaurant with some friends over coffee and they'll ask us, "How long have you two been together?" And on that day, or any other day we're asked that question, I promise I'll never say "Too long." Because I've lived too long without you.

I don't want to be forgotten, but I don't want to be remebered this way I don't want to be forsaken, but I can't find the will to stay I don't want this bondage, but I just can't get far enough away Freedom, my soul longs for sweet freedom My eyes need this holiness But my sin is my kingdom Release me Lord from myself Release me Lord from my sin I release me Lord to you again You don't want this life for me You can't keep this life from me I won't let you set me free Since the beginning of time We can't be torn in three But your grace sets my feet from earth Your prize for this race, rebirth And now my eyes can see The life that you offer me And.. Freedom

the urge to I saw "Murder In The Wings" today. It's play put on by the local Christian school. I really enjoyed it. And although it sounds like a scary, it was a comedy and I laughed way out loud a few times. Watching the play again makes me want get right back into theater. I want to get up on that stage and rock the planet! I love the hot lights beaming down, the sound of the audience breathing, and the rush of live theater. Here's the tragic part, I don't have the time!! In fact, I'm going to be looking for a second job. My current job can't support me while I'm living on my own. So sad! Hopefully I'll be able to land something like hosting at another resturant. The best of the best would be if I could waiter. Waiter? Waitering.. if I could be waitering? How do you use that word properly... anyway. I'd like to start doing something creative again. Recently, I decided stuff looked much cooler if you burnt the edges of whatever it was. And I was right, they do! I got a new haircut. A bold new step for mekind. -BRiAN