When you are content to be alone, you can be truly happy with someone else. I don't know where I read or heard that but it's true. And it's not. I'm content to be alone until I meet someone I could be truly happy with. This is my weakness. I don't really struggle with depression or anxiety, but like everyone else I get that ache in my heart and I try to fill it with something or someone other than God. What a truly stupid idea this is. To fill a hole that's shaped for mercy and peace with restlessness and self is such a waste of time. I am content to be alone, I'm just too content to be alone. The passion that I had when my relationship with God with still fresh and new has slowly over the years dwindled away. Mountain top experiences help bring me along, but things taper off. I know this is not fault of my God, but of my own. In a way I'm encouraged though, I know that I can do no thing on my own. I know that I can fill no hole in my spirit with things of the flesh. I know that I was created to have an intimate relationship with my creator. Above all things I know that God doesn't mind if I come back to him a little dusty or broken. I love the idea of thinking of God as the utlimate Dad. He's allows his kids roll around in the mud and mire just to learn that you get muddy when you do that. So I can take refuge in my Heavenly Father, and rest my muddy head on his soft chest.

Overall, a pretty usual day. I find my days to be falling into a pattern once again. Rise and goto the office (if I make it), stay a few hours then back home. Not to say that I'm not working, it's just that I get what needs to be done then take off. What's really bothering me is that I'm depriving myself of sleep and expecting to keep promises the next morning. I really let Beth down I think. I told her we could go running this morning (6:45 am!) around the lake. She's leaving for the Air Force, so running is a great thing for her to be doing. This may sound strange, but I miss running. I told myself that I stopped running because it got to cold. I became to lazy is what really happened. So I find someone who actually wants to go running and I don't make it 'cause I'm a bum. Mark my words though, I will... will go on Wednesday. Imagine me sliding out of my car half awake, only to go stretch (ugh). Then start off on a solid jog, not panzy soild, really solid. About 3/4 of the way through I'll be sweating like a small animal giving a large birth and heaving like some other similie. Then I'll round the final turn and collapse on my car, only to be attacked by the killer geese that are all around that cursed lake. This is my future. -BRiAN